Baby it's cold outside

Hello there everybody!

This has been a weekend of reflection for me. Normally this time of year, I would be lighting holiday scented candles and ordering seasonal flower arrangements. It's funny to think back, now that there is snow on the ground again and winter seems finally to have made up it's mind to stay, to when we first arrived here.

I remember snow pouring down, creating a pristine wonderland for me, welcoming me to my new home, as if to say "look what I have made for you. Perfect. Fresh. Shiny and new". In retrospect, it was a bit like that moment when Lucy, full of fear and excitement, pushes through the back of the wardrobe into a snowy, magical, unknown world. We pulled our U-haul into the storage unit and unloaded at 4:30 sharp, right as the first of what was to be 22 inches of snow, began to dust my eyelids. However, I did not share Lucy's plucky confidence. I felt exhausted, strained, stressed, and wavering somewhere between nervous vomiting and resigned fainting.

I remember the first time I took my car out in the snow. More snow than I had ever seen since I was a little kid and stepped off my front porch in NH-swaddled in so many layers of insulated, moisture retardant fabric, that I began to resemble a cross between a Weeble and the Michelin Man. The moment I stepped off the porch, I plummeted softly down, vanishing into a snow drift asserting it's vertical dominance over my mere 2 ft. frame. I don't remember this incident clearly, merely my mother's horrified and amused recounting of it. That first Denver snow, I drove my car so slowly I might as well have been pushing it around  like a life size Hot Wheel instead of driving it. As anyone who has ever been in a vehicle with a significant other during a tense traffic situation knows, it is enough to test the mettle of even the most established of unions. I remember that night-sitting in a random Mexican restaurant in a random strip mall, too wired to eat, exchanging terse mono-syllabic quips, each in turn defeating well meaning intentions.

Now, I look at where we are.  Still not perfect, but closer than we have been. I look back at those first trying weeks of "what have I done!?" and compare it to all the wonderful adventures we have had since we have been here. All the amazing, stories, opportunities and people. I think of how sometimes hardship brings you closer, makes you better than you ever thought possible. Not only has my relationship reached new heights during this year of trial and tribulation, but it has also brought me closer to this city in which I live. A city I love. A city that I am proud to be a part of, no matter what.  A city that has opened it's heart and unfolded to me as I have unfolded unto it. A city that I now call home and can't imagine leaving. 10 months. 10 of the most taxing and rewarding months I have known.

We almost seem to have come full circle. While it's not over yet and while we still face our fair share of struggles, we have started to look at apartments again. The market is opening up. We are closer to pursuing our dream, and we have the hope of a brighter future. I am not sure I can adequately explain what it means to again be in this space of searching for home-only that now it seems that home is a place not an idea. I still miss my family quite terribly and part of me will never feel at home unless I am with them, but all this is part of growing up I suppose. And, maybe in the end I haven't done such a bang up job of it after all.  We are finally in a place we should be-the place we should have been when we first arrived-a place where we are finding and creating our own little home.  But, should is a tricky word....for, without all the in-between, the struggle, the wandering,...none of this immense personal growth and emotional tempering would have been possible. I wouldn't have been able to fully appreciate where I am now-on the precipice of starting something new and exciting once again. On the doorstep of my own future front door...